Fear gripped my stomach with icy cramps; desperate thoughts raced round and round my mind like a runaway train; surely they would derail me soon. The metallic taste had been in my mouth for days now.
You are going back to the mental hospital.
Did you really think you could escape?
If you try to break free I will make you more ill than you have ever been.
You have no choice, you know what you must do.
Listening to my accusers, thinking of the consequences of obeying their destructive agenda, brought torment to screaming pitch in my mind. I could see no way out. My emotions were frozen. They could not register love; all I could do was survive.
Staggering across my bedroom I opened the cupboard, and lifting another hidden bottle of vodka I took a huge slug. The feeling of being out of my depth was overwhelming, but I thought I knew what I must do. The wedding must be cancelled, there is no other way, tomorrow I must tell Beck.
All the arrangements had been carefully made; it was only a week until the wedding day. Friends and family were delighted that we would be married after all we had been through together. The love we had was precious, and it had been through the fire many times already. But over the last months and weeks the agony of pretence had crushed me, and as the day drew closer fears had grown into rampant monsters that bullied my mind. How could I have been stupid enough to think that I would cope with leaving home? How could I have believed that I was ready to take on all the responsibilities of marriage? How could I have dreamed that I was ready for a wedding, with all those people coming? How could I have allowed a situation that would cause Beck such pain? Denial had seemed the best course. Surely God would come through for me in the end; he had wanted us to get married after all, everybody said so. Wouldn't God come with a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder and take all my dark fears away?
But it had not happened, and I knew I must face reality: I had to make a decision and accept the consequences. I must escape this wedding. How could I live with the shame? When I saw Beck the next evening I would tell her my decision and the wedding would be cancelled. It was a horrendous night; despite all the medication I was awake through each tormented hour. Normally I fell into a drugged sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, but this night my room was thick with a darkness more than night, as if it had been transported into a region of hell. My body was racked with fear, clenched with tension and my mind churned relentlessly. The only comfort I took was that after the wedding had been called off, my tormentors, having achieved their goal, might relax their efforts.
Beck had had her own misgivings about the wedding, but when she arrived and I told her my decision her pain cut me to the quick. She had put up with so much and been so selfless in her love. To be robbed of the marriage she had prayed for so close to the day was a devastating blow. It was bitter punishment to see the anguish in her face. Beck had done nothing wrong, quite the contrary, but now she must share my suffering again. How could we carry on? Where could we go from here? Surely it was the end.
We have always been aware of the miraculous things God has done in the Fellowship. So we have recently put together a series of 25 healing testimonies that is now available as a booklet. We've entitled it "little church BIG GOD". It deals with some of the miraculous things the Lord has done in our midst over the last 17 years. We've seen a broken bone healed, shingles healed, glaucoma healed (five times!), we've seen people freed from serious oppressions. He's a good God and we just want Him to get all praise through this booklet.
If you would like to receive a copy please send £2.00 to The Way CF, Downs Close, Hunstanton, Norfolk PE36 5HU.
Alternatively you can get a .pdf file of the booklet by clicking the link below: